I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
