i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
