Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
