whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
