he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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