I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he puts the penis in happiness.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?