9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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