I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
