Got a toothbrush?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
