Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
