I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
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Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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