it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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