Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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