I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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