This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
