Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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