Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
