Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
