i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
BRING THE BAGELS
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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