I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
