Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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