She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa