My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
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Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
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LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.