the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
