I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
