Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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