I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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