So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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