3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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