I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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