i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
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The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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