went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am available for nakedness
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
