I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
