If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
