When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
only you would photoshop your dick
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
