One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
