Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
