so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
