This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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