Only a mothe r could love this liver
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
