all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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