my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize