I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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