Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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