I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
