I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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