Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
