Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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