yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
