I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Good thing I've started drinking again
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.