yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table