I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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