Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Randomize
