So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
