I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
