how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
