A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
