Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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