I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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