my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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