News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
